Scraping the Bottom of the Barrel
by DB Sommer
Summary: A humorous shortfic. Once again Drake and Yomiko must tangle with the I-Jin, only things aren't quite what they expected.


Scraping the Bottom of the Barrel An ROD OVA spamfic  
  
Any and all CC is appreciated. You can contact me at   
  
All of my fics are stored at the following:  
  
Larry F's new address  
  
And also Angcobra is now storing fics, at   
  
At  
  
Or RC books  
  
Standard Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Read or Die characters.  
  
Writer's notes: This one is a humor oriented piece, and not the 'sequel' to Literary Hell. Just a little something I hoped might get a laugh or two  
  
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Being inside the belly of the helicopter, the blades sending reverberations through the interior like a rapid heartbeat, made Drake Anderson feel like he was a child in the womb. One armed with an M-16 and enough plastic explosives to blow up a small building, but still a child.  
  
Drake turned his attention from the gentle thrumming and looked at his watch. According to the pre-flight ETA, they should be arriving at their destination in two minutes. Annoyingly, Joker still hadn't gotten back in touch about the opposition. All Drake knew was that it was I-Jin, and that he was being paid top dollar to get the job done.  
  
He turned to the other agent assigned to the mission and felt a headache coming on. They should be preparing to hit the ground and deploy, not relaxing by kicking back and reading a book. "Agent Paper."  
  
Yomiko continued reading without acknowledging Drake had even spoken.  
  
"Readman."  
  
She turned a page.  
  
Drake sighed and made his way to one of the helicopters viewports. "Oh look, they're having a book burning down there."  
  
Yomiko gave a startled cry and drew a set of notecards from the inside of her trenchcoat. "Where? Where?"  
  
Drake returned to her side. "I thought that might get your attention. We're about to land."  
  
Yomiko breathed a sigh of relief. "You know, you didn't have to be so mean. You could have just said 'Yomiko, we're about to land,' or something."  
  
Drake didn't deign to respond.  
  
"Do we know what the opposition is like?" Yomiko asked  
  
"Not yet." Drake checked the portable camera connected to his headset. "You'd think with the documents they seized at the raid on that I-Jin base they'd know more about what we're up against. All we know is they're hitting some rinky-dink library in the middle of nowhere.  
  
Yomiko looked at him curiously. "Des Moines is the capital of Iowa."  
  
"Like I said, the middle of nowhere. Library's probably the hottest action going around out in the middle of corn country," Drake mumbled under his breath.  
  
The pair donned their headsets as the helicopter landed in front of a small library. The door rolled to the side as the two hit the ground, Drake with his rife at the ready, Yomiko with her dolly and suitcase in one hand and several notecards in the other.  
  
They started to run toward the library when Joker's voice filled their ears. "Good, you've landed. We finally have confirmation on the three I-Jin you'll be dealing with."  
  
Just then a figure emerged from the library. He was a man, though appeared to have the characteristics of a rather tall, two legged rabbit, right down to munching on a carrot in hand. In a casual voice he said, "Nya, what's up, Doc?"  
  
"That's the first I-Jin," Joker explained, the visuals being beamed to him through Drake's camera. "He's the clone of an American voice actor, perhaps the greatest ever to walk the face of the Earth. He's been the voice of over a hundred different fictional characters."  
  
Drake drew a bead on the man. "What's his powers?"  
  
"He can change his voice in such a way that you probably won't even realize he's the same man."  
  
"And?"  
  
"I-Jin have given him the ability to take on some of the physical traits of the characters he's portraying at any given moment. Not their abilities. Just their physical appearance."  
  
"And that's dangerous how?" Yomiko prodded.  
  
"If he knew Japanese, he could probably put half the anime voice actors out of business."  
  
"We're not voice actors," Drake pointed out.  
  
"Which means he's probably not much of a threat to you," Joker admitted.  
  
Behind the library, the sounds of a whinnying animal filled the air. Charging from around the corner of the building came a horse bearing a man. He was decked out in night black full plate armor, reminiscent of the Medieval era. The faceplate of the helmet was lowered, hiding his visage. Cradled in his arm was a lance, pointed downward as though he expected to skewer something at any moment. His helmet turned in the newcomers' direction, then he dug his spurs in, prodding his horse forward into a charge.  
  
"This one looks a little more dangerous." Drake brought his rifle up, and Yomiko drew back with the cards in her hand.  
  
Joker's voice echoed in their ears. "That's Sir Gelad Morded. Apparently he's the inspiration for Mordred from the Arthurian legend."  
  
The knight shouted, "Beware Milady, M'Lud! A metal dragon hath landed to do thee harm! Worry not, for I shall smite the foul beast!"  
  
Drake and Yomiko watched in disbelief as the knight rode past them and toward the helicopter. Before his lance could hit the chopper, one of the spinning blades struck him in the head, knocking him off his horse and sending him flying a dozen meters away before landing hard on his back.  
  
"Sufferin' Succotash," I-Jin's resurrected voice actor, now with decidedly feline characteristics, bemoaned.  
  
The knight rose shakily to his feet, his helmet turned completely around. His head shook back and forth quickly. "Zounds. A knight hath fallen, and now night hath fallen. Surely tis an omen."  
  
"Your helmet's on backwards, you nincompoop," his partner told him.  
  
Drake and Yomiko could only stare in stupefaction at the sight.  
  
"This guy's an idiot," Drake said as he watched the knight try to draw his sword, only to send it flying away as he lost his grip on the pommel.  
  
"Well, his parents were brother and sister," Joker pointed out.  
  
"He's more dangerous to himself than to anyone else," Yomiko added, as the knight tripped over his own feet and ended up in a fountain.  
  
It was at that moment a horrifying chant filled the air.  
  
"Ba duba dop ba do bop!"  
  
"What is that disgusting noise?" Drake asked as the sound invoked a wave of nausea.  
  
"Ba duba do ba do!"  
  
The sound grew louder, as though the source of the unholy cacophony was drawing nearer.  
  
The first I-Jin now had a red walrus style mustache and blanched. "What in tarnation is making that racket?"  
  
Joker said, "It must the last I-Jin. I'll see if there are any on the list that are noise oriented. I'm, ah, also going to cut the sound on my end for a moment, so if I don't answer you, that will be why."  
  
"I wish I could cut sound to my ears," Yomiko grimaced.  
  
Sir Morded held his helmet between his hands and began screaming, "The gates of Hell have been opened and unloosed the Beast which will devour us all! We are doomed! Doomed! And I can't get my helmet off either!"  
  
The chant rose to a loud, "Mmmbop ba duba dop ba do bop!" and ended as the thing making the noise appeared. It burst out of the doors of the library, a repulsive monstrosity with the body of a man, but having a trio of heads connected to the trunk. All three resembled hideous, scraggly-haired, pimply-faced teenagers whose very image would cause animals to howl and make children flee in terror.  
  
Joker's voice returned. "I've found it. It's I-Jin's most abominable creation. An unholy mixture of pop culture and poor taste that would make even Andy Warhol contend that some things should never have fifteen minutes of fame."  
  
"It's a clone of Hanson!" Yomiko declared angrily.  
  
"Yes," Joker affirmed.  
  
"They aren't dead!" Yomiko pointed out.  
  
"Well, their careers certainly are. I-Jin cloned that and sent it out to spread a reign of terror through the world."  
  
Yomiko was trembling in anger. "Do you mean to tell me you dragged us out here to take care of a voice actor, an incompetent knight-"  
  
"Oh god, I've run myself through! Someone pull this sword out of my spleen before I bleed to death!"  
  
Yomiko gritted her teeth. "And a three-headed boy band?"  
  
"I-Jin's used up the rest of the genetic material they could clone. This was all they had left," Joker insisted.  
  
Yomiko's shoulders slumped in defeat. She turned to Drake. "I can't do it. It's too silly. Would you mind taking care of things while I go over here to read a little and soothe my nerves?"  
  
"With pleasure. My daughter made me listen to that !#$ song about a hundred times before I lost it and blew up her CD player." Drake pulled back the bolt on his rifle. To the three-headed abomination, he said, "Hey, Ugly! Mmmbop this!" and emptied his magazine into the beast.  
  
Yomiko leaned back against a tree and returned to reading her book, the smell of fragmentation grenades and napalm soothing her as it filled the air.  
  
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End spamfic Well, they had to run out of clones at some point. And my deepest apologies for any flashbacks brought on by the Mmmbop lyrics. 


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